First bloods; So far so good

Had the first blood tests of this second cycle today. I had a conversation with the doctor too, in which she said that basically what the approach this time is, is to up the dose of Puregon. That’s it. I don’t know what I expected. I guess that’s what it all comes down to. Growing eggs. She did explain that there are three options in the follicle stimulating approach; the standard one – that I’m having, the aggressive one where you start the stimulation earlier and the flare; where you start the Lucrin and the Puregon on the same day. I don’t remember the details; I can barely keep what’s going on with me in my head. I try to make sure Big H is present for the important conversations because I get out to the car and say “So, what are we doing?”

My Estrogen is at 1000 apparently. Which is better than it was this time, last cycle. It might mean that this time I have a good number of follicles, or it might mean that there is only one or two that have taken off quickly, but won’t come to much. I know I’m being a bit pessimistic. Her words were “I’m sure we’ll get to egg harvesting this time”. So there you go. I say, one day at time.

First blood test of Second Cycle

Yesterday I had the first blood test of the cycle to see if I had reached the appropriate hormonal base line. Apparently I have. Yay for me. I never enjoy going to the clinic. I’m not suggesting it should actually be enjoyable, but I tend to find it upsetting. Yesterday I really had that sense of being in a production line that I’ve heard other people talk about. No matter how nice the nurses are you’re still being shuffled from room to room, one after the other, politely but efficiently – there are twenty other women waiting after all, and they all have to be seen between 7:00 and 8:15am. I managed to express my concern that I haven’t had a conversation with my doctor since starting the new cycle, and considering the last one was a failure – with unexpectedly bad results – I would like to know what’s going to done differently. What has been learned since last time that will make this $9000 gamble a bit more likely to go my way? What are they doing apart from upping my Puregon dose? The nurse agreed that a conversation needs to be had. I’ll keep you posted.

Change is afoot

Just in case anyone was concerned – yes, I have changed the design of the blog. Maybe it’s the unseasonably warm weather, or maybe it’s an expression of my shifting internal landscape, but I realised I wanted something a bit more open, less brooding. So I hope I didn’t lose anyone in the process, and if you read this blog, I hope you like the new look.

Lucrin injections and Headaches

I think I may have been kidding myself about the caffeine free tea. Going by the headache I’ve had for the last 24 hours – since I stopped drinking it – I am assuming I’m in caffeine withdrawal. I stumbled into a health food shop on the weekend and found some roasted dandelion coffee substitute. It’s flavoured with chicory, which I suppose is cheating a bit, but it’s actually kind of yummy. The best thing about it is the beautiful coffee colour – very convincing. God, listen to me, what a tragic. So the upshot is I am now genuinely off the caffeine. I’m drinking roobios tea – not great, but bearable, and totally non-caffeine.

I’ve been doing more reading about the caffeine factor and it really does seem to be an issue for both parties. Big H has struggled even more than me to give it up – but he’s trying.

I had to start the Lucrin injections without him last week because he’s been away. Turns out it was easier doing it myself anyway, although the moral support is nice. He’s back now and tried to help me this morning but he must not have been very awake because he fumbled the needle, dropped it, and caught it with the back of his hand. Needle straight through the knuckle of his index finger. I could tell it really hurt. I haven’t stuck myself, but I did notice a slightly dazed feeling when I started the Lucrin again. I felt sort of stunned – like I’d walked into a wall or something. I know it’s the Lucrin because it was like that the first time too. I also had real trouble staying awake in the afternoons for the first couple of days. Mood wise, I’m struggling a bit, but that’s more me than the Lucrin I think.

Second Cycle; the stakes are rising

I felt sort of numb after my first cycle was cancelled. And it seemed so long for my period to come – it was about 10 days late in the end. I don’t remember thinking about it all that much. I just got on with things. Now I’m about to start the early morning clinic visits and blood tests again and I’m realising I feel just that little bit more anxious that it works.

There was a story in the paper yesterday about a local news reader who is pregnant after the 11th IVF cycle. 11 Cycles!! I know I don’t have that in me. Let alone the thousands and thousands of dollars to put into it. She’s just passed 12 weeks; so hopefully she gets her baby. I said two cycles, maximum, when we started. Do I count the cancelled one? Does this new one have to be the one? Or maybe the cancelled one was like a trial, and it doesn’t count… I just don’t know how I’m going to feel.

Preparation for IVF – can it ever be good enough?

I told someone I was doing IVF the other day. She said “Oh, so I suppose you’re taking all the herbal supplements and getting treatments and things..” My heart sank a little. No, I’m bloody not. I’m trying to get on with my actual life, and get pregnant too. Having spent months on herbs and being really obsessive, with no discernible results for me or Big H, this time we’ve taken the just-do-our-best approach. There is always going to be something else we could have done. More we could have spent, more organic food we could have eaten, more wheatgrass we could have drunk, more acupuncture we could have had. We could have cleansed, toned and moisturized our reproductives and meditated more often on the souls of unborn children. If it doesn’t work – there will always be the question about why. In the meanwhile I figure the best possible thing I can do is not torture myself. So that’s what I’m trying to do. First blood test in two days time…

Is there such as thing as “psychological infertilty”?

My therapist put something interesting to me the other day which was really hard to hear, but I know it’s true. And that is, I operate on a pretty “masculine” level most of the time. I’m not a gender separatist, but I do believe that it makes sense to basically divide certain characteristics into masculine and feminine. Importantly, I also believe that both men and women carry both kinds of characteristics and ideally should be able to draw on them appropriately depending on what the situation requires.

So, my “masculinity” shows in my extreme need to analyse and make sense of things logically. To organise information systematically. To hold onto my feelings tightly and to remain in control. None of these things are problems in themselves; my therapist’s point was that I’m unbalanced. I don’t allow myself to be chaotic, I punish myself for not achieving, and I don’t nurture myself when I feel bad. Masculine, feminine, whatever; the point is I’m out of touch with myself and it’s stopping me from moving forward in my life. It’s hard to explain, but it was one of those moments where I knew I was touching on something true about myself.

The reason I’m putting it down here is because I am starting to wonder if and where this might fit into my infertility. It’s hard to summarise a life of feelings, but; the simple truth is I have never been very self accepting, certainly never felt good about my body, never really seen myself as a “real” woman; empowered and sexually confident. The more I think about it the more I realise that it many ways, especially regarding my sexuality – my womanliness and all that entails; I’ve felt… incomplete, disconnected…not ready.

Whether this has anything to do with having babies, I can’t really say. The question in the back of my mind is, of course, do I have time to find out?

Caffeine Compromises Fertility

It’s official. Well official enough for me. My dear friend who’s a naturopath rang me the other day with some research she’s been looking into. It seems that caffeine increases dopamine (no surprises there). The problem is in the way the dopamine interacts with estrogen. I can’t remember the explanation exactly but the gist of it was every little jolt of caffeine – that is the amount you get in a standard caffeinated soft drink – temporarily lowers your fertility. It recovers, but if you’re taking in caffeine every day you’re probably operating on a less fertile system than you could be. I seriously doubt if I can get any less fertile, but talking to her strengthened my resolve to get back on the wagon with the coffee. My intake was creeping up again, so now I’m trying to get excited about tea leaves. Low caffeine tea leaves. They’re called “Formosan” in case anyone’s interested. Naturally tannin free and low caffeine.

Contraceptive Blues

I feel like crap by the way. I’m kind of blaming being back on the pill. I don’t know if that’s true. My head hurts and I’d quite like to stay in bed. I keep trying to engage Big H in screwy, emotionally enmeshed conversations about what’s going wrong in our relationship. Nothing is. I just feel like crap and I can’t stand it so I dump it on him. He’s very sympathetic, but there’s a limit to how much misery anyone can take, and I don’t want to wear him out, because for all I know it could be down hill from here!

Which is why I’ve started seeing a therapist. We don’t really talk about IVF that much, so far. We’ve mostly talked about the fact that I cry when people are nice to me in supermarkets.

I’m still not talking to anyone about IVF really. It seems ungrateful but I just find the attempts at support by people who don’t get it to be so woefully inadequate that I end up feeling sorry for them. When I think about before this was happening to me, I know that no matter how sincerely I might have tried I could not have really got how this feels. I don’t even know how to describe it now, and it is happening to me.

Just to be clear; the extent to which I’m not talking about it goes to the fact that I haven’t told either of my parents we’re doing IVF. My brother is the only one who knows and he seems to find it pretty hard to talk about so we usually don’t. My naturopath friend is the only person who’s really up to date. I don’t know how that compares to other people? Do you think I’m making a mistake?

Yes, I’m aware it’s clear that the relationships in my family are clearly not very emotionally open. Which is why I’m protecting myself I guess. I figure if it works I won’t care what they think and if it doesn’t I’ll never have to face talking about it with people I don’t feel safe with. Not very psychologically mature of me but there it is.

Anyway I’m off to make an apple tea cake, with blueberries on top.

Here we go again

So life goes on after they cancel your cycle. I found it hard to know what to write about. All there was to do was wait for my period. It finally came yesterday and so I’m back on the contraceptive pill. Apparently my “cycle diary” is on it’s way through the mail and I’ll start the injections again in a couple of weeks.

Big H said to me yesterday: “Well if we don’t have kids we can afford to buy a house in the country” and I said “Okay, let’s forget it. I want a house in the country”. And I meant it. A bit.

Every set back is an opportunity to question whether this is what I really want. Sometimes I want it so badly, and sometimes I don’t think I can deal with it.

And I think this is the key; my self doubt. I know there are many children being raised (or not) by people with less skills and resources than I will have to offer, but I still question whether I should inflict myself on another helpless human being.

And then there is the issue of only having one. I can’t see us doing it more than once, but I don’t know if being an only child is ideal. In fact I’m sure it’s not. I think three might be closer to ideal (for the kids that is), but there’s no way that’s going to happen.

Anyway, I guess I’ll worry about that if and when it becomes an issue. In the meantime I have to get myself off the caffeine again. And try to remember to take my folate tablets.

IVF cycle cancelled

Did I jinx myself with that last post? This is about the only disappointing outcome I didn’t prepare for; not even starting.

Two days ago I went in for a second ultrasound and confirmed that at that stage there was only one follicle looking anything like it was going to be ready. ONE! after all those drugs. All that “stimming” – is that what “stimming” is? Stimulation? I read some of those other IVF forums and don’t understand half the terms they use. While I’m on the subject, I promise never to use the term “bed dance” on this blog.

I knew it wasn’t looking good from the way the technician was working the probe. She had it going up and around corners as if she thought those follicles were hiding out somewhere near my kidneys. But she didn’t uncover any extras in the end. Poor big H had no idea it was a problem – quite reasonably pointing out “we only need one”. So I wasn’t surprised to get a message from the doctor asking me to call to discuss the “next step”. She made it pretty clear she thought canceling and trying again next cycle was her preferred option. So that’s what we’re doing. I had a couple of moments where I thought about that one big fat follicle and wondered, what if that one was “the one”..? I might almost be pregnant by now…

IVF drug side effects?

As for being off the drugs all of a sudden, I’m pretty sure I can confirm that I was suffering side effects of lethargy, vagueness and nausea. None of them debilitating, but definitely a general-wash of blah. But no head aches thank goodness. The nurse mentioned they might try me on an alternative to Puregon, I can’t remember the name – think it started with “G”. And of course a higher dose of Lucrin. So I suspect there is more blahness in my not-too-distant future. First I have to wait for my period to arrive, then I guess we start over. But not having two injections every morning is nice for the moment.

IVF diet

I’m taking the opportunity to get back on the wagon with my diet. I’ve been managing without coffee, which for me is really something. If you’re not addicted to caffeine and don’t sympathise with my struggle then just imagine having a best friend who was there when you woke up and held your hand and took you to a nice cosy cafe when the world got too scary and made you warm and safe. Now imagine somebody KILLED YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!

I am drinking rather copious amounts of tea however, to replace that comfort factor. And as I’ve mentioned before, I WILL NOT go a day without cake. This week was carrot. Here is the recipe:

Combine:

1/2 cup peanut oil

2 large eggs

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla

1/2 cup of pineapple

1and 1/2 cups finely grated carrot

2/3 cup chopped walnuts

1 cup raw suger

Then sift in:

1 and 1/3 cups of plain flour

1 tsp cinnamon

1 and 1/4 tsp bi-carb soda

Stir it all together and try not to eat too much of the raw mixture, cos it’s really yummy.

Bake at 180 Celsius for about 50 mins.

Then the best bit is the cream cheese, lemon juice and icing sugar icing. Just make as much as you want and spread it on top. The more the better if you ask me, but I’m not a vegan nor concerned about eating fat. (See previous entry re weighing 49 kilos). I’m back to 53 these days in case you were wondering.

But apart from cake it’s all healthy and sensible and vitamin, flaxseed oil and Spirulina supplemented.

Being obsessed with my diet actually depresses me a bit; it’s that much sadder when it doesn’t make a difference.

Wobbly and Hormonal

Dammit! I didn’t want that to happen. A whole week gone by and so much of my morose navel-gazing  wasted.  I’ve been veeeeeery flat this week. And queasy.  We started the Puregon injections a few days ago. I don’t know if that’s the reason, but I’m so lethargic, and my mood has followed. My anxiety however has spiked. Unfortunately this manifests for me in an inability to speak coherently, which can be rather  embarrassing, and of course – as I watch peoples’ eyes widen in confusion while I blather – increases anxiety. I think I’m going to have to work pretty hard to remember my decision to be happy this week.

I have been summoned to the clinic tomorrow morning for a blood test and an internal ultra sound. What a fabulous way to start the day! I’m just doing what I’m told here, it’s like I’m on automatic pilot or something. I suppose the day will bring either good or bad news. It’s just occurring to me that she might tell me I’ve got nothing going on.

I can’t seem to get flow happening with this post. I’m going to eat cake.

No sex please, I’m infertile.

I’ll get to the sex bit in a minute, but I just wanted to clarify something about that last post. It probably came across as a little trite to anyone who suffers from depression. The whole “deciding to be happy” thing is just my way of trying to get some relief from the melancholy I seem to get drawn into most days. I’m experimenting with how much I can influence it, because it seems to me that to some degree at least, I can. Sometimes. I’m not can’t-get-out-of-bed/ can’t-stop-crying/ suicidal thoughts depressed at the moment, and I wouldn’t dream of telling someone who was, to “decide to be happy”. It’s just something I’m trying out this week. Next week it might be eating cake every day. Oh yeah, I already do that…

This week’s cake is a lemon slice. I won’t be doing that again in a hurry. Not that it was bad – in fact it was deliciously zesty – but  I need a cake I can eat in emotional-vacuum-filling quantities. Having attempted that with the lemon slice today I have broken out in a tingling cold sweat across my top lip, and my eyes are watering. This is not my idea of comfort food.

The sex bit

As for day four on Lucrin – still nothing to report.  But while we’re on the subject of hormones, I will once more gently pose the question; AM I EVER GOING TO WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN, EVER?! I just feel like I’m switched off. I like the idea, but I just can’t follow through. Is it the three months straight on active OCP’s? Is the Lucrin making it worse? Am I a robot? Or is my infertility now so deeply comprehensive that I will never have any kind of even vaguely sexual or reproductively oriented urge again?

Maybe I’m more depressed than I thought.

Of course, having started the Lucrin on Thursday, I stopped the OCP on Saturday, which means I’m supposed to get a period. Which is great because I always feel like having sex when I’ve got my period…(not). I think I can, as of the last two minutes feel a bit of a cramp coming on. Then again, the lemon slice OD may have consequences that are yet to be revealed. Also, in hindsight, the leftovers I ate for lunch were probably older than I wanted to admit while I was inhaling them, so I think I’ll reserve judgment for the moment.

Either way, I suspect I may be on the crest of a hormonal wave.