So many thoughts; so little inclination to write anything.

I felt a bit gung-ho about the DHEA thing for a day or so, but it’s not something you can just start buying over the counter and swallowing. Well, you can actually, but I don’t think I should do it without guidance.

The way I’m thinking at the moment is, as I said in my last post; another cycle will most likely get the same results. My eggs just don’t have the goods at the moment. Therefore, the only option is to try to improve them. As I’m sure many of you know all too well, SOME people have got results from acupuncture, dietry supplements, herbal remedies etc.

I’ve been using “alternative” treatments my whole life. Big H and I both went through 3 months of herbal treatments prior to starting IVF but with no discernible results for either of us. So I don’t really feel very hopeful about that approach either. When I think logically about it – it’s not going to be that expensive compared to IVF, and it would surely have beneficial side effects for our general health. But the thought of finding a naturopath and doing more tests and answering all the questions and starting over,  just makes me want to get into bed and pull the doona over my head. Then there’s the whole can’t eat this, can’t eat that routine; as if I’m not suffering enough. I guess I’m not ready to make a decision yet.

In fact this week I’ve finally acknowledged that I’m grieving. There’s such a taboo about infertility isn’t there? I feel like I’m making a fuss by saying I’m grieving. Like I don’t fit the profile of a person who is allowed to grieve. But the fact is that grief is not a lifestyle decision, it’s a documentable emotional/ physiological process, and it’s happening to me whether I like it or not. I’m angry and tearful. I find myself bargaining with the universe about what I’ll do if I’m allowed to get pregnant. I have moments of denial where I block my mind to the reality and pretend it’s not happening. This is all part of the five stages of grief. The last one is acceptance. I don’t see that happening any time soon. The only “meaning” I can come up with for being infertile is that I’ve been deemed faulty by some higher power who has decided to switch off my reproductive capacity in order to save the human race from any further unnecesary suffering. Probably not the case, but as you probably have noticed,  infertility is a great antidote for self esteem.