IVF cycle cancelled

Did I jinx myself with that last post? This is about the only disappointing outcome I didn’t prepare for; not even starting.

Two days ago I went in for a second ultrasound and confirmed that at that stage there was only one follicle looking anything like it was going to be ready. ONE! after all those drugs. All that “stimming” – is that what “stimming” is? Stimulation? I read some of those other IVF forums and don’t understand half the terms they use. While I’m on the subject, I promise never to use the term “bed dance” on this blog.

I knew it wasn’t looking good from the way the technician was working the probe. She had it going up and around corners as if she thought those follicles were hiding out somewhere near my kidneys. But she didn’t uncover any extras in the end. Poor big H had no idea it was a problem – quite reasonably pointing out “we only need one”. So I wasn’t surprised to get a message from the doctor asking me to call to discuss the “next step”. She made it pretty clear she thought canceling and trying again next cycle was her preferred option. So that’s what we’re doing. I had a couple of moments where I thought about that one big fat follicle and wondered, what if that one was “the one”..? I might almost be pregnant by now…

IVF drug side effects?

As for being off the drugs all of a sudden, I’m pretty sure I can confirm that I was suffering side effects of lethargy, vagueness and nausea. None of them debilitating, but definitely a general-wash of blah. But no head aches thank goodness. The nurse mentioned they might try me on an alternative to Puregon, I can’t remember the name – think it started with “G”. And of course a higher dose of Lucrin. So I suspect there is more blahness in my not-too-distant future. First I have to wait for my period to arrive, then I guess we start over. But not having two injections every morning is nice for the moment.

IVF diet

I’m taking the opportunity to get back on the wagon with my diet. I’ve been managing without coffee, which for me is really something. If you’re not addicted to caffeine and don’t sympathise with my struggle then just imagine having a best friend who was there when you woke up and held your hand and took you to a nice cosy cafe when the world got too scary and made you warm and safe. Now imagine somebody KILLED YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!

I am drinking rather copious amounts of tea however, to replace that comfort factor. And as I’ve mentioned before, I WILL NOT go a day without cake. This week was carrot. Here is the recipe:

Combine:

1/2 cup peanut oil

2 large eggs

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla

1/2 cup of pineapple

1and 1/2 cups finely grated carrot

2/3 cup chopped walnuts

1 cup raw suger

Then sift in:

1 and 1/3 cups of plain flour

1 tsp cinnamon

1 and 1/4 tsp bi-carb soda

Stir it all together and try not to eat too much of the raw mixture, cos it’s really yummy.

Bake at 180 Celsius for about 50 mins.

Then the best bit is the cream cheese, lemon juice and icing sugar icing. Just make as much as you want and spread it on top. The more the better if you ask me, but I’m not a vegan nor concerned about eating fat. (See previous entry re weighing 49 kilos). I’m back to 53 these days in case you were wondering.

But apart from cake it’s all healthy and sensible and vitamin, flaxseed oil and Spirulina supplemented.

Being obsessed with my diet actually depresses me a bit; it’s that much sadder when it doesn’t make a difference.

Wobbly and Hormonal

Dammit! I didn’t want that to happen. A whole week gone by and so much of my morose navel-gazing  wasted.  I’ve been veeeeeery flat this week. And queasy.  We started the Puregon injections a few days ago. I don’t know if that’s the reason, but I’m so lethargic, and my mood has followed. My anxiety however has spiked. Unfortunately this manifests for me in an inability to speak coherently, which can be rather  embarrassing, and of course – as I watch peoples’ eyes widen in confusion while I blather – increases anxiety. I think I’m going to have to work pretty hard to remember my decision to be happy this week.

I have been summoned to the clinic tomorrow morning for a blood test and an internal ultra sound. What a fabulous way to start the day! I’m just doing what I’m told here, it’s like I’m on automatic pilot or something. I suppose the day will bring either good or bad news. It’s just occurring to me that she might tell me I’ve got nothing going on.

I can’t seem to get flow happening with this post. I’m going to eat cake.