No sex please, I’m infertile.

I’ll get to the sex bit in a minute, but I just wanted to clarify something about that last post. It probably came across as a little trite to anyone who suffers from depression. The whole “deciding to be happy” thing is just my way of trying to get some relief from the melancholy I seem to get drawn into most days. I’m experimenting with how much I can influence it, because it seems to me that to some degree at least, I can. Sometimes. I’m not can’t-get-out-of-bed/ can’t-stop-crying/ suicidal thoughts depressed at the moment, and I wouldn’t dream of telling someone who was, to “decide to be happy”. It’s just something I’m trying out this week. Next week it might be eating cake every day. Oh yeah, I already do that…

This week’s cake is a lemon slice. I won’t be doing that again in a hurry. Not that it was bad – in fact it was deliciously zesty – but  I need a cake I can eat in emotional-vacuum-filling quantities. Having attempted that with the lemon slice today I have broken out in a tingling cold sweat across my top lip, and my eyes are watering. This is not my idea of comfort food.

The sex bit

As for day four on Lucrin – still nothing to report.  But while we’re on the subject of hormones, I will once more gently pose the question; AM I EVER GOING TO WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN, EVER?! I just feel like I’m switched off. I like the idea, but I just can’t follow through. Is it the three months straight on active OCP’s? Is the Lucrin making it worse? Am I a robot? Or is my infertility now so deeply comprehensive that I will never have any kind of even vaguely sexual or reproductively oriented urge again?

Maybe I’m more depressed than I thought.

Of course, having started the Lucrin on Thursday, I stopped the OCP on Saturday, which means I’m supposed to get a period. Which is great because I always feel like having sex when I’ve got my period…(not). I think I can, as of the last two minutes feel a bit of a cramp coming on. Then again, the lemon slice OD may have consequences that are yet to be revealed. Also, in hindsight, the leftovers I ate for lunch were probably older than I wanted to admit while I was inhaling them, so I think I’ll reserve judgment for the moment.

Either way, I suspect I may be on the crest of a hormonal wave.